Markets silent
Streets empty
The police at rest
All mobile companies in loss
No SMS
No Flowers
No Valentine
No Candles
No Perfumes
All men directed to Heaven
New rules and regulations for employees
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.
At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category".
Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy!
You are allowed to use the rest room only thrice a day and you have to swipe in and out from the toilet doors also.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim fast.
Mails
Don't read junk and forwarded mails.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
All questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations,consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management.
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.
At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category".
Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy!
You are allowed to use the rest room only thrice a day and you have to swipe in and out from the toilet doors also.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim fast.
Mails
Don't read junk and forwarded mails.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
All questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations,consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management.
Funny conversations
Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.
Wife: Honey...... What are you looking for?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing...??
You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour...??
Husband : I was just looking for the expiry date.
A Chinese pair accidentally had twins without getting married.
Guess what they named them... Jo Hua, So Hua.
Q - What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying...
& the other ensures U Continue to do so.
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.
Wife: Honey...... What are you looking for?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing...??
You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour...??
Husband : I was just looking for the expiry date.
A Chinese pair accidentally had twins without getting married.
Guess what they named them... Jo Hua, So Hua.
Q - What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying...
& the other ensures U Continue to do so.
Funny replies
A man went to an auction. He bid on a parrot.
He really wanted this bird, so he kept on bidding,
But kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher.
Finally, he won the bid. As he was paying, he said to the auctioneer,
"I surely hope such a costly parrot can talk.
"Don't worry", said the auctioneer,
"He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
Buyer to seller: Is your dog faithful?
Seller: Yes, I have sold him 3 times earlier also.
He is so faithful, everytime he returned back to me.
Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too..... and be sure the cup is clean!"
Waiter instructs the cook: "Two teas, with one asked for a clean cup."
He really wanted this bird, so he kept on bidding,
But kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher.
Finally, he won the bid. As he was paying, he said to the auctioneer,
"I surely hope such a costly parrot can talk.
"Don't worry", said the auctioneer,
"He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
Buyer to seller: Is your dog faithful?
Seller: Yes, I have sold him 3 times earlier also.
He is so faithful, everytime he returned back to me.
Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too..... and be sure the cup is clean!"
Waiter instructs the cook: "Two teas, with one asked for a clean cup."
Funny replies
I'm not going back to school ever again
Why are you not going to?
The teacher doesn't know a thing, all she does is ask questions!
Mother: How was your first day at school?
Son: It was all right except for one thing, some man called "Teacher" who kept spoiling all our fun!
A software engineer was smoking in public.
A lady standing nearby said to him "can't you see the Warning, Smoking is injurious to health..!".
He replied "We are bothered only about Errors, not Warnings !!"
Why are you not going to?
The teacher doesn't know a thing, all she does is ask questions!
Mother: How was your first day at school?
Son: It was all right except for one thing, some man called "Teacher" who kept spoiling all our fun!
A software engineer was smoking in public.
A lady standing nearby said to him "can't you see the Warning, Smoking is injurious to health..!".
He replied "We are bothered only about Errors, not Warnings !!"
Quality and Warrant
A Quality Engineer married an average girl…
After 2 years of tough life with her, finally the Engineer
got angry and sent a note to father-in-law stating that
"YOUR PRODUCT NOT MEETING MY REQUIREMENTS".
The smart father-in-law replies,
"WARRANTY EXPIRED. MANUFACTURER NOT RESPONSIBLE"
After 2 years of tough life with her, finally the Engineer
got angry and sent a note to father-in-law stating that
"YOUR PRODUCT NOT MEETING MY REQUIREMENTS".
The smart father-in-law replies,
"WARRANTY EXPIRED. MANUFACTURER NOT RESPONSIBLE"
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